Ep.1 | Finding Your Village

Episode Transcript:

 All of us have heard the expression it takes a village to raise a child. Often this expression is nothing more than satire used in a real on Instagram. It's a sad reality, but is true that most moms do not know the blessing of having a village around them. Friends? Sure. But a village? No. And it's not just with our parenting that we need a village for help in our marriage, for our walk with Christ. There are so many ways that having a village is not only practical, but spiritual for us. So today we're diving into all of it. The nitty gritty, the not so talked about because it's time for us, as a body of Christ, to rise up and be the village. Let's get started. Welcome to the village of countercultural, truth seeking moms who stand for what is good, right and true. I'm Katie Knox, your new friend and host of the Bold Mom Society podcast. Join me in special guests each week as we press deeper into faith, motherhood, marriage, community, and of course, holistic health and wellness. I hope each episode brings you new perspective and leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. So let's get started mamas. We've got a generation to raise. So what does Scripture say about this? Well, we can glean some wisdom from the book of acts, chapter two, verses 42 through 47. All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals, including the Lord's Supper and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders, and all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together in the temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity, all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship and those who were being saved. So what can we learn from this? First, I want to say that this is an act of community that came from the Holy Spirit working in believers hearts. This was not ordained and forced by the church or even a form of government like communism, for example. This was purely done from the desires of their heart and not the flesh. And there was beauty to this that we can really learn from. And to also say, second, that God blessed this, that he brought fruit upon these blessings because of their community and the acts that came from that. So truthfully, I can say that though my story has not always been this way, over the last six years, God has really blessed myself and my husband with community. So I'm going to be pretty raw here about my back story, really, just in the hopes that anybody who's listening, who has dealt with hurt from their community or for their friends, will find a glimmer of hope to know that if somebody like me, who has the back story that I do, was able to find the community that I have now, God is capable to do that in your life as well. If you would let him. So I'm going to take it a little bit further back and way back to elementary school. And really just start off by saying that I have always kind of gotten along with guys better. I don't have any sisters. I do have a little brother. My dad and I have always gotten along really well and I've always been pretty straightforward. I like to be outdoors. I like to do different things like that. The guys do. I remember vividly playing soccer and football at recess and having races, but I also dressed girly and I love to shop and do all of those things as well. And I was really conflicted because I did find so many guy friends that understood me and just let me be myself, and I felt like I always had to have a filter around girls, that I was always just misunderstood for some reason. So I had girlfriends, but it just never felt like close relationships that I really desired and that I really hoped for. Fast forward on to middle school and things get pretty rough. I have a group of girlfriends and we do fun things. We go shopping. They even come over and have dinner with my family or go to our, you know, my grandfather's beach house at the time. One morning I wake up and there's pads and tampons all over our windows. There's fake blood. There's an F you smeared in mayonnaise on my parents porch. And for anybody who doesn't know, mayonnaise is acidic. And it had embedded into the cement and still for many years to come. After this, when it would rain, we could still see a faint EF2 in their porch. These weren't just random girls from school who were bullying me. These were girls that were kind to my face, who I laughed with and shared secrets with, who I met, their grandparents, people that I thought were really good friends, and not just one girl. A group of girls. The real reason that they did that never really came out. Nothing really ever came of it, but it just continued to get worse. In middle school, I had these girlfriends, but rumors would spiral about that. I wore two push up bra at the same time, when in reality I had just developed early. So add that to my list of insecurities as a middle school girl. On top of that, there was a rumor that I was pregnant and coming from somebody who had only kissed somebody once, that was pretty humiliating. There were kids who were being taken to the principal's office by their parents and saying, we're pulling our child out, because how dare you have a pregnant middle schooler all to find out that this actually was a rumor spread by my mom's best friend's daughter, who I kind of considered as family. All of these things left really deep scars in my heart, and it made it seem like I would never, ever have a group of girlfriends because I just was misunderstood by girls. I continue to have really close guy friends and at work. I had friends and I had a job really, really early on, and I had friends there. I had some girl friends in other classes and from other schools, but it wasn't until middle school that I had a little glimmer of hope. I had a guy friend from school invite me to his middle school youth group. I started going and there were girls there, but I didn't really talk to them. But I met guy friends and you know, we all just really got along really well and I really enjoyed going. So there was a middle school retreat coming up and my parents encouraged me to go. My friend Mark and O.D. at the time, they encouraged me to go. And I just finally decided, okay, you know, there's snowboarding, there will be outdoor stuff. It's not the end of the world, you know, I'll go. This will be fun. But the whole time I'm on my way there, I'm just in such fear that I have to be in this cabin with girls who aren't just friends. They've grown up together, and I'm the new girl. So all this hurt is just spiraling through my head. And really, at the time, I didn't know this. But it's the enemy. Just speaking lies over me. That I'm not worthy, that I don't belong. We get there and we're all unloading off the bus. Everybody gets into their rooms and. To my surprise, these girls welcomed me with the love of Jesus. They were silly. They were sweet. They were kind. They were honest. And we were all very different. We didn't have a ton in common other than the fact that we loved Jesus and we were silly middle school girls. But we did stay really close friends throughout middle school and most of high school until we all slowly started to go our separate ways. We all did go to different schools that weren't super close together, and like I said, we all had different hobbies and passions and just we all slowly started to naturally drift apart as it does as you get older. I still had girlfriends from work and from my classes at the community college that I was doing in Running Start, and I just still longed for that group of girls that I could rely on, that we could lean on each other and just be that community. I don't know, there's just a sense in me that just really desired that, but didn't have the guts to actually do it and really didn't even know how to do it. So I continued to have the same situation throughout college and had girlfriends, but nothing that was a super strong community. Most of my friends were still guys and the people that were really there for me on a daily basis, in practical ways were my guy friends. Driving me to my parents house during a snowstorm. Instead of driving over the snowy pass and the mountains and just being there in practical ways to help with homework and to drive me somewhere when my car was breaking down, or just all of the little things that you do for your community, and a lot of people listening right now are probably going to say, oh my gosh, those guys had other intentions, and some of them did, and I think I was wise enough to set those boundaries at a pretty young age. But most of them really didn't. And that really was genuine friendships that I'm so grateful for, because I really think that that is my only glimmer of hope as being an adult, that I would find an incredible community of people who did see me for being a genuine person who maybe is straightforward, but is loving and kind, and who comes from a good place. And people who just understood me and, you know, had the same drive and passions that I did. And, you know, I could hold accountable and they'd hold me accountable, that we'd inspire each other to grow and be better. I think having my guy friends really just helped me to have this glimmer of hope that that would still be the case. It would still be possible, regardless of all of the hurt that I had gone through. So fast forward to almost present day, almost eight years ago. My husband and I get married and I start realizing, hey, this is probably not appropriate to have my best friend be a guy as great as he is. He loves Jesus. Wonderful, respectful guy who would never do anything to Casey. If anything, him in case we are friends. I realized it wasn't appropriate to be talking to him on the phone. It wasn't appropriate to be bringing anything that I was concerned about or thinking through to him. It was Casey that I was supposed to be bringing that to and Casey alone, not Casey and my guy friends. So I really started to establish some hefty boundaries there. And truthfully, we're still friends. He's friends with Casey. I'm friends with him. I actually got to be invited to his wedding, so Casey and I were there to support them. And he has an incredibly beautiful bride who was just absolutely wonderful and truly made for him. So that is such a wonderful gift. But the friendship just couldn't be what it was when we were younger, and that's just the reality. So I began to realize that I needed to have girlfriends once again and was feeling lonely once again. My husband had a group of girlfriends that, you know, were his girlfriends, wives and girlfriends, and they're amazing. They're great, but there was just something that didn't click in my heart that just something was off that I wasn't one of the tribe. And it wasn't until we moved to a new town and my husband was saying, hey, like, join a small group, go to a church. It was like instantly in my head, it's like, I'm gonna get hurt. I'm not gonna fit in. There's no way adults don't want to make friends like adults have friends, and then they're done. Like they're not expanding. They're not taking applications. Like once they have a friend group, that's it. But he really encouraged me. And truthfully, at the time, I didn't take it as encouraging. I took it as an attack, a misunderstanding that he didn't know where I was coming from, that he didn't understand the depths of my heart from the past, but really, he was speaking life over me and encouraging me that those things don't speak truth over me. That is the past. Those were not people that I'm facing. Again, these are new people and I have to give them a shot. I don't even know them. I don't even know what the possibilities are. So amidst all my other thoughts that this church would be cliquey, that there would be issues, that these girls were not accepting new friend requests. I brought myself to it and I brought myself to a small group. So I get to this small group and there's a group of maybe ten, 12 girls. They're all really kind and they're all really open. Just as the girls were in middle school, really embodying the Church of Christ. Not all of them were Christians. Not all of them really even knew Jesus or maybe had a relationship with him. But they were there, and I hit it off with some of them really fast. And some of them I didn't. And honestly, looking back now, what I think is the funniest thing to me is that the people I hit it off with the quickest, I actually didn't stay super close with long term. It was the people that were kind, but weren't necessarily my kismet best friend that have become my absolute closest girlfriends. Now. The friends that I consider truly family to me. And it's funny because those really are what developed kind of slowly in the background over the last few years. So we fast forward a little bit and I'm friends with these girls and kind of still finding like there's not quite the set group, but I continue to put myself out there, I continue to meet, I continue to go and just develop these friendships. I think what people don't really understand when we talk about this in our mainstream culture today is that taking the chance to find a village requires being the village and part of being the village is healing. Past hurts that you have that are deep down, that you don't even realize, or clouding your judgment or clouding your actions towards future people that you're meeting. We really need to heal those things and come from a place that we are truly ready and open to meet people, and not only that of being open to experiences and people, but most importantly, being the village. Putting yourself out there to do the thing, to go the extra mile for people. Because not that we want brownie points or that we want to be seen as this wonderful person, but that we genuinely want the best for those around us. You know, serving at church when maybe it's not our favorite area to serve, but you know that there's a need and you want to fill that need. And I'm not perfect at that. Like, let me tell you, I'm really not. I am not the first person to say that. That is my expertise. Like, you have to do this, go out and serve. That's really hard for me, but it's something that I feel very convicted on, and I really try to consistently put myself out there to serve my church for the greater good of the community around us. But beyond that, it's, you know, asking how somebody is doing, you know, asking about their kids and just getting to know people and really asking the questions and being open to answer their questions if they have them for you. Not having a surface level conversation, but really just digging a little bit deeper and just in a gentle and kind way, but just opening those doors and just kind of creating a crack that slowly just opens more and more within every interaction and every conversation. Because that is where real friendships are built. When you're showing up every week or every day or every other day when you see them, maybe at preschool drop offs or Sunday church or your regular errands that you're bumping into the same person, whatever it may be that you're just inching, inching, inching and growing that bond and that baseline that you will build a really strong and solid foundation of friendship off of. So putting yourself out there and just really doing the things that are uncomfortable, the things that require us to be interruptible. So before I dive into the whole conversation of finding your village, I really want to talk about being interruptible, because I think that this is something that really puts our heart in the correct posture needed in order to find and be a village. And really, this is what's lacking from the church today. And amidst a whole host of other things being interruptible and really opening ourselves up to the world around us and our community around us is vital. Think about even in your just right, your, you know, outside your front door in your neighborhood. How many times have you gone and talked to your neighbors? How many times have you sat in conversation with the neighbor, or intentionally took out time in your day for your neighbors? How many of your neighbors do you know their names? Or if they have kids, or what their history is? Really putting yourself out there to get to know people who are around you, and to lend a hand in practical ways that make their life better. This is really what the Body of Christ is called to do. And this, if we look throughout Scripture like this, happened all throughout Scripture, this was normative for all of the disciples and all of Jesus followers, which there were hundreds of Jesus followers, not just the 12 disciples. I think this was normal to go into towns and to help and to be the hands and the body of Christ. So in our practical daily lives, like we get busy, I don't want to be interrupted. Like my hands are full. I tell you, it's like I have five kids or four kids. Oh gosh, five kids. Hopefully I'm not speaking something over myself. I have four kids, five and under, including 210 month old twins. And truthfully, I fill my days up with enough hobbies and enough intentional time with my kids and my husband that I just don't. I don't need anything else. I don't want anything else. I don't want to be interrupted. My sourdough is on a schedule like we have a routine, but being interruptible is something that God calls us to do, and I personally have had him really work in my heart over this in the last couple of years, and I'd love to share how so on a maybe yearly basis. And then throughout the year, I would say a couple of times, um, I learned really this from my mom that in childhood she would bring treats either made or purchased to our neighbors and to friends and to say, you know, Merry Christmas and we're thinking of you. We're praying for you. And I've really tried to carry that on into my life now as a mom and as a neighbor. And I try to do that during the Christmas season, but also a little bit throughout the year. Not to bother my neighbors, but to just be approachable. And when I see them in their yard to strike up conversation or to ask how they're doing, and just to get to know them and just get to know who they are and to help them out in practical ways as well. So we're out in the yard, and there's one house that really we hadn't dropped cookies at. It's just not approachable, not the most approachable house, and not seemingly the most approachable people, which should have been my first clue that I should have approached them. But in my head, in this fallen world, I didn't want to bother them. They go from their front door to their car, to the car, to the front door, like they don't want to be interrupted. They don't want holiday treats like don't interrupt them. But my prayer constantly is God, use me like use me. Do something with me like I want to be used, I want purpose. And so of course, in the most practical way possible, I'm out in the front yard with my children playing, and all of a sudden I look up and the neighbor from across the street is at our fence and staring at me, and she says, hi, I'd love to introduce myself. And I walk over and I'm thinking, okay, not not the time. God, not not right now, not interested. We're playing. I have sourdough in the oven. Like I have to go inside and make dinner. But we start this conversation and she apologizes. She's socially awkward and you know, she wanted to introduce herself sooner, but she just didn't have the guts to do it. And truthfully, I'm thinking in the back of my head, you know, I'm kind of an introvert. I'm extroverted for people that I get along with really well, but for the most part, I'm an introvert. I recharge alone, and I should be apologizing. I've been avoiding her house, so we get to know each other and you know, she's kind in. The conversation goes on, and she really says something that sticks with me that this is not me to toot my own horn. This is not me to say like I'm the best mom. Because honestly, more days than not, I'm like, God, what am I doing here? Like, help me. Help me to have all of the fruits of the spirit because I need more patience than I have right now. But she goes on to tell me that my children playing out in the yard, laughing and screaming used to trigger her, and in the back of my head I'm like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, we're offending a neighbor. I feel terrible, like I knew they should have been more quiet. I shouldn't have just let them run around and play. And she goes on to say that it's healed parts of her wounds from childhood, that she had so much hurt from her childhood, and that she feels like as an adult, that she has wanted to express that more of the things she missed out maybe in childhood, that joy and that playfulness. And really, she is a child at heart, and you can just see that in the way that she carries herself and the things she's interested in. And, and she says that my children laughing and screaming had healed it in her because she saw the joy on my face and just my presence of wanting to be with them and to play. And as a mom who's busy in filter days with hobbies, that was something that caught me off guard. Because oftentimes I feel like I don't spend enough time with my kids. And I think that a lot of us moms say that and think that maybe we should be more intentional. Or did I look at them enough or talk to them enough, or all of the things? But. Really. My being interrupted by this neighbor ended up being the blessing that I needed, and that encouragement to keep fighting the good fight for my kids, and also to open myself up to being interrupted. So fast forward a little bit, and I think that this is the last conversation with this neighbor, or just would be few and far between, but it's not. I would say every few days, maybe once a week, and maybe at the longest, every two weeks I get a knock on my door, or I look up and she's walking into the yard to come say hi, or bring us a painted rock or a picture. And at first it really was hard for me because I'm, you know, busy in the garden or playing a game with the kids or doing home school or trying to make dinner. And there have been a couple of times where I'm quite literally in the middle of a recipe and trying to read through, and she comes in and I don't have the heart to say, like, I'm drowning right now. Like I'm changing a baby's diaper. I'm trying to finish this recipe. I have kids asking me for snacks, and I'm trying to make dinner and I'm already running late. My husband's going to be getting home and all of the things, but her interrupting me has been something that God has broken in me. The desire to not be interrupted and to just go on about my comfortable day and my comfortable ways that just firm desire to be comfortable, to not have to have uncomfortable conversations or to talk to people that I don't just instantly hit it off with. That has been something he's broken in me, and it's taught me so much and helped me really to show up for my community in such a better way than I would have been able to without this neighbor. So for that, I am so grateful, and I really want to use that as encouragement to say, like as the body of Christ. As uncomfortable as it is, it's so important for us to open ourselves up to our community. Like, this is a time in this world where it is so fallen, people are so lost. And honestly, if you talk to somebody who's not a believer, if they have any sort of history with a church at all, that's what turned them away is the church. And that's wrong. Like we're fallen. We're fallen people. We can't be expected to be perfect. But more times than not, it's that there was clicky ness, that they weren't welcomed with open arms, that they were judged. And coming from somebody who has a pretty lame backstory of my testimony is not all that exciting. I was raised by Christian parents in a very loving home, and I was raised to know Jesus, and I didn't really have this radical way that I needed to be saved later on in life. But I have felt judged in the church. I have felt inadequate and less than and like I didn't belong. So if we as ourselves, as Christians are feeling that in the church, then there's a problem. Because people who don't feel like they belong and who really do have rough backstories are coming from a hard place. They need to feel just as welcomed, and I think that there's churches that are doing it well. There's churches that are not. But I also think that there's churches that are doing it well that don't realize how cliquey they still can be. And I see this right now a lot. Um, and I think that it's so important that, yes, we can be comfortable in our groups of friends, and it can be so easy when we're in the middle of it to not realize how we're coming across. But I think it's so important to be open and have this posture of openness and kindness to the people around us, just as Jesus calls us to be, to be open, to have the hard conversations, to be open to share, to be open, to just sharing your life, to open your table up, to say like you have a place at the table like, hey, we're making dinner. Do you want to join us? Like just the little ways that are so practical, it's so important. And not everybody's neighborhood is going to be like ours. I think that we have a incredibly wonderful neighborhood, an incredibly kind neighborhood. We have neighbors who we don't even know, who will walk past our house that live maybe a few blocks away, and they'll say, you know, we always pray over your family when we walk by. We pray for blessings over your children. And you know, we have people that bring us honey from their honey bees and extra desserts and dinners and help us with yard work and bring over their like Hoyer lifts and like tractors and yard tools and take our things away to the dump if we have, you know, extra stuff from the yard work like they we have this incredible community of neighbors around us that really makes it easy to love on them. But there are still the exceptions that are hard. And honestly, God still shows us beauty in that. So before you dive in to having a community, just remember that it's so far beyond having this group of friends that help you through life. It really also involves those people that maybe you don't want to talk to, or that you don't want to open your home to. That is how we are going to reach this fallen world is welcoming them with open arms and speaking truth, not sugarcoating, but speaking truth and life over these people to show them that there's another way, then, the way that the world has shown them. That has clearly been a lie. So we'll go on to the next part, which really is talking about the village. This episode is sponsored by Ag1. All right. I'm sure you guys have heard about Ag1 from literally everybody and their mother, but let me tell you, this is for good reason. This has been the only supplement that I have ever taken that I actually notice a drastic difference in how I feel. Not only do I have sustained energy and mood throughout the day, but I no longer have to rely on caffeine for all that energy, and I don't have a mid-morning or late afternoon crash. 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My husband has even gotten on board because he's noticed such a huge difference in not only my mood, but my energy. We actually have a much better immune system as well, and we don't struggle through cold and flu season like we used to in the past. So I truly suggest if you're a parent, especially of littles who are in preschool or daycare, now is your opportunity to try ag1 and I promise it will be life changing for you. So honestly, at the end of the day, if I had ag1 or snacks or treats or any of the fun little things in life, I would probably choose my ag1 because it helps me that much. So definitely take advantage of this offer. Get yourself your ag1 and your five free travel packs as well as the vitamin D3, K2 drops and click the link in the show notes for that. I think when we think about the village as society, we think about group of couples and their kids and going on vacations and doing all the fun things and hosting dinner parties. But the raw reality often is a lot less glamorous than that. It's not just friendships and chit chatting over texts and sending memes and reels and all the things. It's pretty nitty gritty. It's delivering a dinner when you know somebody's had a really rough week. It's delivering groceries. When somebody's lost a job and they're trying to make ends meet. It's bringing a coffee bar in the morning on your way to work when you know somebody was up all night with a baby. It's inviting somebody to dinner when your house is a mess. But carving out that time anyway and just authentically welcoming them to your dinner table, it's carving out time to swap date nights on a weekly basis so that not only you prioritize your marriage, but you prioritize their marriage as well. It's checking in on things that they're struggling with, maybe addictions or strongholds or hurt, a tough season of marriage, whatever it may be. But checking in and being intentional, prying over strongholds in somebody's life. There are so many practical ways that we make up a village, and so much of that is time, and so much of that is thoughtfulness. And I think that what we don't always recognize is that our community is not always going to have themselves open in a posture of like, yes, come in my home. I need your help, I need this. It's you get to a place where you know people. And you are willing to invest in them in ways that don't need to be said out loud. I think one of the key things about having a village is that it's not always a perfect 50/50 relationship. Just like marriage is not always 50 over 50, that you're both putting in an equal amount of effort and an equal amount of ways. Because really, it ebbs and flows. There's going to be seasons where I'm putting in 99%, and I feel like Casey is putting in one. There's gonna be seasons where it's reversed, so there's many seasons where it is kind of 5050 and 7030, and it goes all over the place that ebbs and flows because as humans, we ebb and flow like we are constantly growing. You go through seasons of growth. We go through seasons of career changes, of thinking about being pregnant or postpartum. There's just so many things that we go through and we change that. Of course, we're not always going to be perfectly consistent in our relationships. It's just not possible. So really, having a village is the same. But the key thing to remember here, that really goes into kind of my next segment on this is you need to have a gut check in friendships, in that you are not putting in 100% all the time, and the other person is putting in little to nothing. You need to know that there is value in yourself and there's value in your friendship. And that you can absolutely do kind things for somebody. You can actually put yourself out there for people who aren't going to do anything in return, because that's really what Christ teaches us. However, there is a level of investment that requires some investment in return. And so remembering that for your community is so important. So really putting yourself out there to help them in ways that don't always have to be spoken out loud. Just practical ways to help. You know, you go to deliver a dinner after somebody had a baby and you noticed that maybe some sweeping could be done or some dishes and just like, don't say anything, just kind of start doing it. Be like, hey, like, I'd love to help with this because sometimes when we ask permission to those things and I can say this from my perspective, if somebody asks me like, hey, can I do your dishes or do you want me to do the dishes before I leave? I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, I'll just leave them. Just like, don't even worry about it. If somebody knows me well enough, which my community does, they know never to ask me that, because I'm going to say no. Because I don't know how to ask for help. Like I'm queen of independence. Like I would rather do everything myself and just stretch myself thin and be miserable trying to get it done myself, which is not healthy. But my community knows that about my personality, and I know that about some of my girlfriends. I know that they're not going to ask me to do these things, but I know that if I do those things for them, they're going to be forever grateful for it. And that just shows us that we're there. We're invested. We know you, we know each other, and we're going to do the thing anyway. So I think, you know, that's not to say you just come in somebody's house and you just start doing their dishes, and they're going to be uncomfortable with that, like know somebody if that would make them uncomfortable or that would actually be harder on them, like, don't do their dishes. Like it's just about knowing somebody and knowing what they're willing to ask for and not, and being willing to step up without them having to ask you. I think a key thing about community that we don't always talk about in our society as well, is just holding each other accountable and really being intimate in the sense that you open them up to really the things that you're struggling with. You're not putting on a facade or this smokescreen to say that your marriage is perfect. You know, depending on your level of, you know, what you're comfortable with. I think everybody's comfortable with a different level of intimacy and things that they're willing to share. And there's different boundaries in marriages to say, like what you feel comfortable sharing or not. But my husband and I are pretty set on the fact that we want to have a strong marriage, not at whatever cost, but we refuse to say the D word. We refuse to even consider that. But that really takes work. That takes commitment. Because especially for us, like we have four kids for a while, four and under, and that is not for the faint of heart. He lost his job this last year after, you know, maybe I want to say his company had 12 rounds of layoffs and he had just escaped by. And then his whole org started getting let go. And we kind of saw the painting on the wall and we both started thinking like, okay, what's next? Like, what are we supposed to do next? And, um, we're grateful that God gave him a really great career opportunity after that. But for a while there, it was like, okay, like, this is really gonna put us to the test. And I think that reminding yourself that your community is there for support. And just being sure that your spouse and you are on the same page about what that support looks like, that's really important. But, you know, it can get really intimate in the conversations of, you know, what's normal in marriage? What's not normal. Like, you know, we're having a really hard time. We need really serious prayer or I'm struggling with this old habit or addiction or whatever it may be like. I need accountability and I need it to be consistent. Like, can you call me or can I call you every time I'm struggling with this? Like really getting honest and not trying to put on this facade that everything is okay, but just being authentic in what you're going through, because that's the only way somebody can authentically help you, as if you're being authentic about what needs help. And not only just that, but you know, your celebrations. Like when you have something that you're excited about or something that may seem little and insignificant to somebody else, sharing that with you with your community of just like, hey, I had a win today. Like with my kids. I'm so excited about this. Like having people to celebrate that and just be joyous with you is such a gift. And I think that in this world, like we try to be something or we try to look a certain way or show that our marriage is a certain way and like there's no need to do that when you have a village of people that are really trustworthy, incredible friends. So I really want to talk about not only the things that obviously you need in a community that we just kind of shared, of having common values and having common interests and certain things that you're passionate about, like you could all have different careers or different things. You don't need to all be stay at home moms or all working moms or whatever. You know, just having some of the core things in common that you can share is really important. But also when you are in a village that is the wrong fit. There are some signs to that as well. So I really want to dive into that, because I think that oftentimes, for the sake of just wanting to have community, we stick it out, just like oftentimes people do in relationships when we know it's not a good fit. I've definitely had this experience, and I've definitely tried to force things when I was like, man, I just need girlfriends. Like, maybe it's just not in the cards for me to be authentically myself and like girls that I just genuinely enjoy. Like, maybe it just has to be mediocre friendships. Like, maybe it does. Like, maybe I just have to have, like, really close girlfriends in all these different spheres of life. And we can't all just be friends at the same time who like, you know, get up at six in the morning and meet for coffee in the middle of the winter, even in the Pacific Northwest, like when it's pouring down rain and it's still dark outside. And I want to be cozy in bed, but like, I'm putting myself in the uncomfortableness to meet because I have these three women that just, like, speak life into me and that I get to have so much joy meeting with, and they're going to spark the rest of my day. Like there's a joy in having that community and not just being one on one with somebody. So yes, one on one friendships are great, but there's that joy in community and settling for mediocre friendships. Like, are you willing to get up at five in the morning and bundle yourself up in pouring down rain when it's still dark outside and freezing and getting in your freezing cold car to drive to a coffee shop to sit with these like, are you motivated to do something like that? Because if you're not, that's not the right friendship. So really, when you see it's not the right fit, there's going to be a couple of signs. One, I think our gut is something we need to trust more often that it's usually not going to feel right. There's going to be a little sign that something's off. The next would be, are there good fruits coming from this friendship? Am I growing in any way? Do I feel like my friend is also growing? You know, is my life in their life and the world around us bettering in any way because of this friendship? Um, are there misaligned values? Is it unbalanced? Is it that you're putting in too much effort? Or maybe even they're putting in too much effort and you don't care to put an effort. You don't feel invested enough to take out time in your day. It's like, oh my gosh. Like, you know, we haven't seen each other in this long. And you know, sometimes you live further apart, but like if you live a couple of miles away and you just have not seen each other at all in months and months and months like there might be some truth to that, that like, maybe there is not this same investment in friendship that you thought that there would be or hope that there would be. And that's not to say you can't stay friends, but having that core village that is there for you day in and day out is crucial. And that seems like that's probably not the friendship. The next would be that there's cattiness of literally any kind. I really do mean that. And I think sometimes that's sneaky, and I don't think that it's always obvious. I think sometimes that's going to come across in little ways that, um, are subtle, and we need to be attuned to that, because when you see that if there's anything happening that's not about you, it's probably going to be happening behind your back to somebody else in another context. So just remembering that, you know, you want friends who have at their core, very solid foundation of values, and somebody who is doing that may have a solid foundation of values that they aspire to, but they're not living by those things. And there's something off there. There's something unbalanced, and they may not be ready for that kind of close friendship or community. So really setting boundaries there, you don't even have to speak them out loud, but just really giving yourself some space to have healthy relationships with other people that that, you know, doesn't get invaded by their toxic ness, or those weeds don't start sprouting up in other parts of your life because really, the people that we spend time with, it's kind of so true what our parents used to say over us when we're a little that, you know, the people that were around have such high influence on us, but they really do. And if you have this garden that you're tending this garden and trying to grow this garden of your heart and you're working, you're in Scripture, you're praying, you're doing all the right things. If you're around people that are spreading seeds of weeds into your heart, those are inevitably going to start growing, and it's usually going to be the type of seed that they're carrying. So you have to keep that in mind, because there's only so much weeding you can do in your garden. Like we're already having to weed our gardens, so to speak, of all the things that naturally are in our character of maybe it's insecurities or lies that the enemy tells us, like we're constantly having to pull those. You don't need somebody else's weeds also starting to grow in your heart. So really, those are a lot of the things that I would say are what make a village and then what are signs that you're in the wrong village. And it's hard to end friendships, and you don't have to necessarily walk away from a friendship and end it formally, but really, to have the instinct in you and the confidence to know that ending this is important. And it doesn't mean I don't have future friendships coming. God always has more for us around the corner. It's never the end of the road. He always has a better story for us, and we just have to faith that he loves us and treasures us enough to do that for us. And again, like looping back to what I said in the beginning, that you have to be open to that. And I think that so often we always say it has my personality, I'm just introverted or whatever. And here's the deal. I'm pretty introverted. A lot of people think I'm an extrovert and I'm an extrovert in teeny teeny tiny doses and definitely not in crowds. I would much rather kind of stand off to the corner myself or talk to a couple of close people, but I'm not going to be the person at a party that doesn't really know anybody and is walking up to meet people. That's not me. I recharge when I'm alone. You know? I treasure my alone time. So for me, I would not necessarily say that I'm outgoing and just about to go meet at people all the time. I'll be kind for sure. And that's really the only door that I think opens things for me to meeting new friends. But using that as your excuse of why you haven't found a village, or why you don't put yourself out there to show the love of Jesus to your community, like your neighbors, or your church, or kids at your, you know, kids school or where, wherever you may be, wherever your sphere is of life, where you have possible influence, your personality cannot be what's holding you back. God created us, each with an incredible purpose and an incredible design, and he wants to see growth in our lives. He wants to see growth around us. He wants to see the fruits of the spirit flourishing within us, because ultimately, that is the only way that we grow the body of Christ. And you guys like this world is so fallen. It's. It's just getting worse and worse. It really is like this time, as believers that we freaking rise up. We have to, I mean, for the sake of our children. Like, we need to be raising a generation that doesn't have to be saved from, you know, medical industry, from food industry, from church hurt, from sin, from just horrible decisions that our culture is making. We are trying to raise up a generation that doesn't have to be saved. And in order to do that, we have to reach people who they are going to be immersed in their adult lives, like in their careers, in their churches, in their schools. We have to help reach the rest of the world. It can't just be about our families. And I think, yes, you need to prioritize, of course, the health of your family, the health of your marriage, the health of your parenting and your relationships with your children. And of course, you want to grow a village and you want to invest in those people and prioritize those relationships. And I'm sure you're thinking like there's not enough time in a day. And I'm going to tell you, like, yes, like everybody has a different capacity. I'm going to have a whole other episode on that. I think everybody has a different capacity for what they can handle in a day, how many responsibilities they can handle. And that is a God given part of their design for the most part. You know, sometimes there's different things that may be adding to that are playing into it. But again, that's a whole other conversation. But for the most part, we all have time to be kind to a neighbor. Like there's no excuse to park in your garage and immediately go inside like there's just not. To carve out time around the holidays when you're off work, or you just have time and you're baking or whatever you may be doing, you're on a walk with your kids to look at Christmas lights like strike up a conversation with your neighbor, genuinely care about their life, and open up that door because you never know where that's going to go. I, I could go on and on and on about our neighborhood and what a gift it's been, and just the relationships that we have grown with these people. Um, it's hard for me to even not talk about it because it's just been so incredible, but it's because we opened ourselves up to that, and it's because all of our neighbors are opening themselves up to us. And I don't know what kind of freak chance it is, is truly a gift of God that most all of our neighbors are doing the same thing that they just at all ages of life. I mean, people our age that have families or don't have families or are new to having families, to having teenagers, to having, you know, adult children that, you know, they're what we would consider an elder, like somebody in their 60s. 70s, 80s, 90s all these people in different seasons of life are all doing the same thing. And it's like this incredible gift of our neighborhood is just the most bizarre thing, and they're all just giving and loving and open of their time, and they're all pretty busy. Um, you know, one of our neighbors, like, used to be the mayor for ten years or 20 years. He was a police sheriff. He was a detective, like, he's a great grandfather. He's got all sorts of grandkids and kids, and they're constantly busy and they're outside doing things all the time. Super active. But let me tell you, if I'm on a walk, like he will absolutely strike up a conversation. And his humor always brightens up our whole walk. It's about those little interactions that taking that time out of your busy schedule like you have time for a short conversation. So this is really just my encouragement that a couple of things. One, if you're dealing with hurt from a friendship or past things that you thought were friendships and it was really just somebody that was using you or who was projecting their own hurt on you, it's time to forgive. It's time to lay that at the feet of Jesus, and it's time to drop that shame in your heart that you're unworthy or unwanted, or you don't belong. You do belong. You are wanted. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by an incredible creator. All of the beautiful things that you see around you that God created. He also created you. So just remember that when you're trying to find a village and you're trying to find friends and you're feeling lonely, like this is not satire for Instagram to say, like, where's the village at? Like, why isn't there supposed to be a village to help me raise my kids? Like, yes there is, there is a village. Drop the hurt is time to let it go. I'm so sorry that things happen to you. But give it to our creator. That is his burden. Now. Let him heal you. Let him give you joy and peace so that you can put yourself out there and find the village that you so deserve. And I really encourage you to be the village first. Next I would say, you know, if you are in the wrong village and you're just currently not so sure what to do about these friendships, and you just you feel guilty leaving people or letting people down or walking away or putting distance or boundaries, like if you're feeling convicted, there's a reason for that. And all I have to say is it's time to make those hard decisions, because beauty and growth will come from it. And God does not call us to sit an unhealthy situations. He calls us to rise above. Next, I would say it's really important not only for our children, but for ourselves, that we model these things because like I said, future generations depend on it and it's important that we teach them these skills. Like I said, my mom going around during the holidays was such a gift to me because at the time it maybe felt like a hassle sometimes, but now I'm so grateful for that because it's opened me up to being willing to at least go and give treats to our neighbors during Christmas, and it's really spread to so much more beyond that. So I just really encourage you all to do this, and I'm so excited to think that as moms, we have the power to change this next generation for the good and to create a different church environment that people aren't being hurt from all the time, that there is just so much growth and joy and beauty that it makes the world stop and look and go, what the heck are they doing right? Because it's not communism, it's community. It's something from the heart and it's not something from the flesh. There's no other desires other than for the good of others and for the good of and glory of God. Thank you, friends, for joining me on this episode today. If you're ready to join the Bold Mom Society and help to inspire a generation of bold moms together, hit that subscribe button. Share this episode with your fellow friends and leave a five star review.